how do you solve a problem like
i sat in a dark room for two and a half years
listening to old tapes of conversations with a dead person.
it was cold and unkind and thick with melancholy
and i couldn't find the door in the blackness
and i didn't call for help
and i didn't try to fight my way out.
it was horrible but it was comforting, somehow,
because i could tell there were other people trapped in other dark rooms with other unshakeable sorrows,
even if i was alone in mine.
and it was getting worse.
i should've been getting better,
adjusting to the lightlessness,
feeling around for the doorknob.
but i was sitting still
(and maybe going blind, too)
and here's the part of the story where everything gets better
a ouija board grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards her
and it was the last thing i expected.
and a ghost
spelled out his name and said hello
and i have never felt so at peace.
he said he missed me and that he was happy now
and my heart was floating in my body
and i was crying, as always,
but they were the happiest tears i've ever cried.
oh my GOD does it feel good to have your soul quieted
after two and a half years of unrest
and things you never got to say
and times you flaked on plans that you wish you'd kept
and laughs and hugs and
it wasn't all fun and games, when he was alive.
it was talking him down from panic attacks
and praying he wasn't hurting himself anymore
and faith that he would thrive
if he gave himself the chance.
it was the loss of innocence and the search for innocence
all wrapped up in the same two shared bodies.
we both tried our best.
and my heart cracked in a hundred places when he left
how do you solve a problem like a dead best friend?
i still don't know.
but a ghost by his name sent me love through a ouija board and told me to get my shit together,
just like i had told him when we were in the same world.
and it's almost three years
and i miss him just as much as i always have
but i think i can handle it now
at least a little better.
maybe next time i see him we'll be scarless and innocent again,
or maybe we'll be just as fucked up
but there's peace in knowing the reunion is coming,
no matter what form it takes.
for lucas, my heart. see you soon enough.
bright and warm
she moves her foot
and opens her eyes
he's there, still,
sun coming in
in broken lines
striping his face
collarbones and chest
his mouth is open
hand on her leg
she has to move
but can't move away
so she waits
watching him breathe
sharing a pillow
she closes her eyes
and lets the sun
sing a morning lullaby
i'm trying to be happier.
it's really hard.
i got so used to being so sad
(for a reason, for no reason, all of the above)
i had to teach myself happiness again.
i forgot the things that brought me little joy.
i have so much love in my heart
and it hurts because i love like a little kid:
cautionless, full of emotion,
and sometimes it crushes me
when people can't love like i do.
i'm depressed. i'm an artist.
everyone knows how this goes.
it doesn't matter,
because i'm going to be happier.
i light candles that smell good
and i play the piano until my fingers hurt
(because i have arthritis, probably)
and i laugh at twitter.
and i'm still sad sometimes
(for no reason, for a reason, all of the above)
it doesn't matter.
maybe nothing matters,
at least in the long run.
for now, i matter.
and i'm still going to love like a little kid
and fall and scrape my knee and cry for a minute
and keep going, keep going.
that's all there is to do.
i fell in love with an idiot who didn't.
and it wasn't the first time,
and it probably won't be the last time,
no matter how hard i try.
he broke my heart
and i couldn't talk about it
because he was our friend.
and you don't fall in love with your friends.
it hurt so much
to feel so strongly and stay so silent.
drunk kisses are all fun and games until you never address them in the morning, and you sit across from him at lunch and in the library, and you stand next to each other at basketball games and museum exhibits, and you pretend you don't spend the night in each other's rooms in a different way than you do with all your other friends.
and i fell in love
and we still went home from parties together
and i knew i should stop
because he didn't care about me like that
and then i realized he didn't really care about me at all
and our friendship wasn't really real anymore
and everything hurt
because i was still in love
and my hopes were so high
and i couldn't bring them down or cut the cord.
over and over again
i read into things that he didn't think about
and i guess i broke my own heart,
if you think about it,
but it feels better to blame him.
right now i'm in the part of the cycle
where i don't think about him,
or if i do,
it's only like 12% sadness and 88% hatred.
right now, i'm good. i'm healing.
and it's only a matter of time,
no matter how hard i try,
only a matter of time.
i just cried
and dear god
has a weight been lifted
i really needed this
purging of pain
i am new again
my grandfather always said
"oh quit your blubbering"
but i'm an emotional girl
so i let myself blubber
and then i quit it
and i feel like i did
controlled my life
i just cried
and god damn
has this heart been freed